Yesterday I had a breakthrough.
My whole life I have misunderstood the whole "die to self" thing that Jesus teaches. My blood sugar was low, which causes some strange things to happen sometimes, and, after totally embarrassing myself in front of some friends while trying to get it under control, I just sat for hours alone thinking. What occupied my mind: how on earth was I going to make it up to them, the fact that they have to be my friend. Yes, folks, I've gotten to that point in my life. I have become a self-loathing loser who thinks nobody would ever forgive her for anything. Awesome. The realization of it made me want to vanish even more. What have I become?
Once I could finally talk again, in my sorrow, I asked for some advice from my boyfriend. He lovingly pointed out, again, that I need to start thinking differently. "You need to change your attitude." Whenever it comes to this I can't, in my life, figure out what he's talking about.
I have tried everything and a half to battle this illness that I've had for about two years now. I've been terribly resilient. I've come a seriously long way but it's not gone and the symptoms of it still plague my life.
I often feel like I am a disease. A disease to other people's lives and to my own. It's painful and scary and bad. Anyway, I think constantly bouncing back from episodes and being persistent and energetic in my treatment for it would count as having a positive attitude. Never mind the fact that I constantly feel spent and hopeless... defeated. Point being, I can never understand him when he tells me i need an attitude adjustment. I was still around wasn't I? I hadn't given up and, to me, that was about as good as it got. I hadn't given up yet even though I had to fight and give it EVERYTHING i have to keep from failing, giving up, admittedly loosing the battle... but to him that isn't good enough.
After our conversation and more tears on my part I started my two mile walk home in the 100 degree weather. More pitty party for me. I didn't have a job. I didn't have money. I didn't have a car. I didn't even have my bike because something was broken on it and I had to buy a part to fix it. boo hoo. It didn't last long, though, because something he had said a few minutes before got me thinking about self-denial.
As a Christian we are taught that self-denial is an essential part of our faith. No I'm not referencing Romeo and Juliet: "O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name".. I think the most famous verse from the bible abou this is as follows:
Matthew 16:24-25 "Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it."Another popular reference is to the story of the least shal be first dinner table fable thing.
But then it hit me... the breakthrough. My whole life I have misunderstood the whole "die to thyself" thing. I've had it totally backward and that's what Ty was talking about when he told me I needed to change my attitude. He was talking specifically about how I dealt with my illness, however, what he said applied to my whole life- overall.
What I used to think:
Denying oneself meant putting yourself in the worst positions possible and/or always approaching bad situations in your life with acceptance and tolerance. Making sure that you acknowledge your unworthiness in every situation and always taking the last share or none at all depending on the situation. Not complaining and certainly not changing a bad situation that you are in. The more suffering you must endure, the more loving you are being. Suffering is just a way you are building character so living with it and not dealing properly with people who abuse you or mistreat you is just building your faith and your character. Your enduring makes you more worthy. You are worth less than everyone else and placing yourself in that position is a way to get closer to God and be more holy.Yesterday morning that was seriously how I lived my life!!!!! It was how I felt and how I thought I was living humbly and correctly. I thought THAT was humble. It was the reason I've stayed in abusive relationships with boyfriends and plain old friends. It's why I haven't taken initiative in so many places that I should have until it built up so much that i exploded and then just made the situation worse, why I let a non profit screw me out of hundreds of hours of time and about 9 thousand dollars so many years ago, why I let room mates walk all over me, why I let jobs pay me almost nothing, why I let people at church take advantage of my charity and hard work, why it seems like I resent more people than I respect, and why I'm currently a self-loathing looser.
Consider the light bulb on!I'm proud to say (thanks to God!) that today I have a totally different outlook. Never mind how I got here in the first place. I'm learning learning and one of the first things I'm learning that the past is the past and now is now. WOO! yay God.
What I understand now:When Christ asked us to deny ourselves He didn't mean for us to deny our worth. He meant we should Deny our privilege and then allow God to place us accordingly. Luke explains starting at 14:7:
When he noticed how the guests picked the places of honor at the table, he told them this parable: “When someone invites you to a wedding feast, do not take the place of honor, for a person more distinguished than you may have been invited. If so, the host who invited both of you will come and say to you, ‘Give this man your seat.’ Then, humiliated, you will have to take the least important place. But when you are invited, take the lowest place, so that when your host comes, he will say to you, ‘Friend, move up to a better place.’ Then you will be honored in the presence of all your fellow guests. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.” Denying your own worth could be considered a SIN on it's own! Denying your worth and accepting less than your worth in life on the basis that you are not worth anything or you aren't worth better is like denying that the Lord made you in his image. Denying your own worth causes resentment, misfortune, and unhappiness. It doesn't help serve the world and it certainly doesn't help serve you. I honestly never realized I was doing this until yesterday afternoon.
PRAISE GOD for giving me this breakthrough.
Denying one's privilege is humility and, although I think sometimes there can be some grey area and a fine line, really most of it is clean cut and clear. The man at the table didn't deny his worth and sit on the floor for crying out loud. He didn't place himself with the dogs- he sat at the table to get food and join the celebration! He just chose what place to sit in... he still got to sit at the table and then, when the host promoted him, he didn't say "nonono promote someone else" he allowed himself to get promoted.
Point being, stand up for yourself Chelsea. Don't accept crap from people because you certainly don't deserve it. Stand up for yourself and realize your own self worth. We are all children of the Lord and we are worth more money than is conceivable. We are more precious than any object or any other person in the world. We don't have to be martyers or put ourselves in bad situations
and when bad situations come it is ok to try to get out of them! If it's impossible to escape THEN and only THEN is it time to be resilient and push through but not because you have to suffer to be close to God, no, because you value the life he gave you so much that you WILL suffer if it means protecting it the way the Lord gave it to us.
I was like becoming a modern version of one of those misguided Catholics who thought they had to harm themselves to make up for their sins. One of the monks who wore a hair shirt or whipped themselves. That's like how I was living!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wasn't Christ's death enough for me.
It is now. Praise God.
I have value and today is day number one. I will accept no less than I am worth. Today I end resent. Today I start fresh. Today I begin to heal.We could be closer than you know,
Chelsea
