Revolution Reality 01 Tomatoes

A fun little video we made for Tommy and Krissi's Revolution Reality. There will be more of these fosho.

The Five Love Languages

Love Languages

For a significant amount of time since we'd broken it off, I've spent countless hours resenting my ex boyfriend (unnamed here) for being neglectful and unloving. I've cried out because I felt I was the victim of two years of emotional abuse. At times, I was even more angry at myself for allowing the emotional wounding to happen.

Recently, two happily married friends invited me to a seminar where, among other things, I learned about the concept of the "5 Love Languages" and how they help us understand our personal emotional wounding. Apparently this Christian marriage counselor named Dr. Gary Chapman put this all into writing HERE in his books(s) with the same title "The Five Love Languages". Many aspects of my past relationship started to make a lot more sense to me after understanding these concepts. Although not everything in the relationship could be explained through the love languages concept, understanding the love languages really helped me understand myself more. It really hit head on when it comes to my current relationship and the little times in that relationship that I feel might be repeating themselves from the last one gone sour. Thanks to my understanding I know that I'm not crazy and that it's ok to need love the way I'm wired to need it. Before, I though I was just being irrational and "too needy" where, instead, I should have sacrificed my own understanding of love, lived with a huge hole in my heart, and be ok in relationship with someone who just doesn't know or maybe doesn't care what language they should use to make me feel loved. WRONG!

The following are the five love languages taken directly from the website thefivelovelanguages.com as written by Dr. Gary Chapman. (remember, you can check out his books at that same website) Remember, these don't really apply to ALL of the friendships and relationships we have- just people we are in relationship with like family or boyfriend/girlfriend, etc.

Words of Affirmation

Mark Twain once said “I can live for two months on a good compliment.”  Verbal appreciation speaks powerfully to persons whose primary Love Language is “Words of Affirmation.”  Simple statements, such as, “You look great in that suit,” or “You must be the best baker in the world! I love your oatmeal cookies,” are sometimes all a person needs to hear to feel loved. Aside from verbal compliments, another way to communicate through “Words of Affirmation” is to offer encouragement. 
Here are some examples: reinforcing a difficult decision; calling attention to progress made on a current project; acknowledging a person’s unique perspective on an important topic. If a loved one listens for “Words of Affirmation,” offering encouragement will help him or her to overcome insecurities and develop greater confidence.

Quality Time

Quality time is more than mere proximity. It’s about focusing all your energy on your mate. A husband watching sports while talking to his wife is NOT quality time. Unless all of your attention is focused on your mate, even an intimate dinner for two can come and go without a minute of quality time being shared.
Quality conversation is very important in a healthy relationship. It involves sharing experiences, thoughts, feelings and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context. A good mate will not only listen, but offer advice and respond to assure their mate they are truly listening. Many mates don’t expect you to solve their problems. They need a sympathetic listener.
An important aspect of quality conversation is self-revelation. In order for you to communicate with your mate, you must also be in tune with your inner emotions. It is only when you understand your emotions and inner feelings will you then be able to share quality conversation, and quality time with your mate.
Quality activities are a very important part of quality time. Many mates feel most loved when they spend physical time together, doing activities that they love to do. Spending time together will bring a couple closer, and, in the years to come, will fill up a memory bank that you can reminisce about in the future.
Whether it’s sitting on the couch and having a brief conversation or playing together in a tennis league, quality time is a love language that is shared by many. Setting aside focused time with your mate will ensure a happy marriage.

Receiving Gifts

Some mates respond well to visual symbols of love. If you speak this love language, you are more likely to treasure any gift as an expression of love and devotion. People who speak this love language often feel that a lack of gifts represents a lack of love from their mate. Luckily, this love language is one of the easiest to learn.
If you want to become an effective gift giver, many mates will have to learn to change their attitude about money. If you are naturally a spender, you will have no trouble buying gifts for your mate. However, a person who is used to investing and saving their money may have a tough time adjusting to the concept of spending money as an expression of love. These people must understand that you are investing the money not in gifts, but in deepening your relationship with your mate.
The gift of self is an important symbol of love. Sometimes all your mate desires is for someone to be there for them, going through the same trials and experiencing the same things. Your body can become a very powerful physical symbol of love.
These gifts need not to come every day, or even every week. They don’t even need to cost a lot of money. Free, frequent, expensive, or rare, if your mate relates to the language of receiving gifts, any visible sign of your love will leave them feeling happy and secure in your relationship.

Acts of Service

Sometimes simple chores around the house can be an undeniable expression of love. Even simple things like laundry and taking out the trash require some form of planning, time, effort, and energy. Just as Jesus demonstrated when he washed the feet of his disciples, doing humble chores can be a very powerful expression of love and devotion to your mate.
Very often, both pairs in a couple will speak to the Acts of Service Language. However, it is very important to understand what acts of service your mate most appreciates. Even though couples are helping each other around the house, couples will still fight because the are unknowingly communicating with each other in two different dialects. For example, a wife may spend her day washing the cars and walking the dog, but if her husband feels that laundry and dishes are a superior necessity, he may feel unloved, despite the fact that his wife did many other chores throughout the day. It is important to learn your mate’s dialect and work hard to understand what acts of service will show your love.
It is important to do these acts of service out of love and not obligation. A mate who does chores and helps out around the house out of guilt or fear will inevitably not be speaking a language of love, but a language of resentment. It’s important to perform these acts out of the kindness of your heart.
Demonstrating the acts of service can mean stepping out of the stereotypes. Acts of service require both mates to humble themselves into doing some chores and services that aren’t usually expected from their gender. However, these little sacrifices will mean the world to your mate, and will ensure a happy relationship.

Physical Touch

Many mates feel the most loved when they receive physical contact from their partner. For a mate who speaks this love language loudly, physical touch can make or break the relationship.
Sexual intercourse makes many mates feel secure and loved in a marriage. However, it is only one dialect of physical touch. Many parts of the body are extremely sensitive to stimulation. It is important to discover how your partner not only physically responds but also psychologically responds to these touches.
It is important to learn how your mate speaks the physical touch language. Some touches are irritating and uncomfortable for your mate. Take the time to learn the touches your mate likes. They can be big acts, such as back massages or lovemaking, or little acts such as touches on the cheek or a hand on the shoulder. It’s important to learn how your mate responds to touch. That is how you will make the most of this love language.
All marriages will experience crisis. In these cases, physical touch is very important. In a crisis situation, a hug can communicate an immense amount of love for that person. A person whose primary love language is physical touch would much rather have you hold them and be silent than offer any advice.
It is important to remember that this love language is different for everyone. What type of touch makes you feel secure is not necessarily what will make your partner happy. It is important to learn each other’s dialects. That way you can make the most of your hugging, kissing, and other physical contacts.


Love Languages applied:
Honestly, when the women at the seminar were explaining the love languages in short... I just couldn't believe what I was hearing. It made so much sense. I'll recap it here: People feel and express love in 5 common ways. Often times, if a family member or lover expresses their love for you in a way that isn't your personal love language, it's hard to understand their love for you. For example, my mom might love me a ton but if I understand love through words of affirmation and she understands and expresses love through physical touch, it doesn't matter how much she hugs me and rubs my back, I'll still have a hole in my heart because I'm waiting for her to tell me that she loves me or compliment me or encourage me. If words of affirmation just aren't the way she expresses love we could misunderstand each other resulting in my not feeling loved and her not understanding why I think she never loves me. Understand? Spending a significant amount of time in a relationship like that can cause significant emotional wounding that carries over into other aspects of your life. If mom never told me she loved me (but she DID love me... she just didn't speak my language), then I might start freaking out if I have a boyfriend who doesn't tell me he loves me every hour that I'm with him. That unrealistic expectation of him would have been caused by being in relationship with someone who never told me that they loved me so now I need someone ELSE to tell me that they love me enough for the mom who didn't and for themselves or else it's going to be the end of the world because NOBODY LOVES ME! Sound familiar?


Sometimes these emotional wounds also carry over into our relationship with God (as the trinity- father, son, holy spirit). If we understand the Father through our relationship with our dad (dad's supposed to give us identity, security, and protection), the Holy Spirit through our relationship with our mother (comfort nurture and teaching) and Jesus through our relationships with our siblings and friends (communication and companionship) than think of how our unsatisfactory or broken relationships with those people affect how we understand the corresponding Godhead. Sometimes, it seems like we start to believe lies about God based on how those family members or friends have treated us. If Mom misses my love language I might believe that the holy spirit doesn't want to encourage me or will never get excited about me or what I do. That is a LIE! Understanding the love languages can help me understand what lies I believe about God and then ERASE them so that God, (holy spirit, jesus, and holy father) and I can get closer. way cool. Forgiving Mom for just not understanding the love languages, releasing her to God and blessing her and then forgiving yourself for thinking that the Holy Spirit wasn't your biggest fan and then starting to let the Spirit Shine through and show you how much of a fan he really is will not only help you partner with God in love but allow God to HEAL your wound so that you can move on with your relationships in a more healthy and affirming way.

I've tried this and it's TRUE! Tried and true... you would not believe how awesome forgiveness is. I'll talk about that in my next post.
We could be closer than you know,
Chelsea